What to Say (and Not Say) to a Child Who Is Struggling
When a child is struggling emotionally, it can be difficult for parents and caregivers to know what to say. You may want to make the problem disappear, offer advice, or reassure them that everything will be okay. While these responses usually come from a place of love, children often need something simpler: to feel heard, understood, and supported.
The words we choose can make a meaningful difference in helping children feel safe enough to share what they are experiencing.
Say: “I’m here if you want to talk.”
Children do not always have the words to explain what they are feeling. Giving them an open invitation to talk - without pressure - lets them know they are not alone.
Instead of asking repeated questions like, “What’s wrong?” or “Why are you acting like this?” try saying, “I’ve noticed you seem upset lately. I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
This approach communicates concern without making the child feel interrogated.
Say: “It makes sense that you feel that way.”
Validation does not mean you have to agree with everything your child says or does. It simply means acknowledging that their feelings are real.
For example, if your child is upset about a friendship problem, saying, “That sounds really hurtful,” may be more helpful than immediately telling them what they should do. Feeling understood can help children calm down and become more open to problem-solving.
Avoid: “You’re fine.”
Adults sometimes use this phrase to reassure children, but it can unintentionally dismiss their feelings. If a child says they are scared, sad, angry, or overwhelmed, telling them they are fine may make them wonder whether their emotions are wrong.
Instead, try: “I can see this is really hard for you. What would help you feel supported right now?”
Avoid: “Other people have it worse.”
Comparing a child's struggles to someone else's rarely makes them feel better. Children can be grateful for what they have and still experience anxiety, sadness, anger, loneliness, or stress.
A more supportive response might be, “I’m glad you told me. Let’s figure out what might help.”
Avoid Rushing to Fix Everything
When children share a problem, adults often immediately switch into problem-solving mode. Sometimes children want advice and sometimes they simply want someone to listen.
Try asking, “Do you want me to help you think of a solution, or do you just want me to listen right now?” This gives your child a sense of control and teaches them how to communicate their emotional needs.
Remember: Your Presence Matters
You do not need to have the perfect words. Staying calm, listening without judgment, and reminding your child that they are loved can be incredibly powerful.
If emotional or behavioral changes continue, begin interfering with school, friendships, sleep, or daily life, or seem too difficult for your child to manage alone, professional counseling for your child may be helpful. A mental health professional can provide children with a safe space to express their feelings, develop coping skills, and learn healthier ways to manage difficult emotions.
Sometimes the most important thing a child can hear is simple: “You don’t have to handle this alone. I’m here with you.”
-Ciera Canaday, LCSW and Clinical Director