How to Have Conversations about Sexuality and Gender Identity with Your Child (Part 1)
According to Erik Erikson, a developmental psychologist, the two most important aspects of adolescence are the following: who they are and where they belong. Erikson had a psychosocial theory that we go through 8 stages of life. The stage for adolescence was labeled “Identity vs Confusion” - an adolescent either has the time and freedom to try out different roles or they will be confused about their identity going into adulthood and often experience dysphoria. What this usually means is… gone are the days where the majority of your child’s time is spent with family, for they now prefer their friends and peers! And I am sure that at some point, this becomes painfully obvious to you! I would bet that there are many nights where your child is up late in their room texting or playing games with friends or is constantly asking you to drive them to the mall or the skate park. You likely see and understand the importance of peers and friends to your adolescent, for better or for worse. I am positive that you have also heard plenty already about how peer pressure is more intense in adolescence than other developmental stages. This is due to your child trying to figure out where they belong and what their values and boundaries are with adults, peers, and society in general. While peer pressure is easy enough to talk about and is even taught about in school, a less spoken about issue is how adolescents may go through many phases, friends, and relationships while trying to figure out who they truly are - their identity.
What makes up an “identity” is very complex and, unfortunately, polarizing at times. One’s identity is both personal and social, meaning that an “identity” is made up of how one sees themselves or how others may see them. Identity can be made up of one’s culture, race, religion, values, gender, sexual orientation, occupation, etc. and only grows and becomes more developed as we grow and develop ourselves. Some aspects of identity are also fluid, meaning it can change over time and throughout the years. However, do not misunderstand, even if one’s identity changes or a child has a certain phase it does not make their identity in that moment any less valid. Identity is something that screams to be heard, validated, and accepted, although that may not always be the case – especially for parts of identity that may be confused for being a “choice.”
The LGBTQIA+ Identity
The part of identity I wish to write about in this first part of the blog is identity related to the LGBTQIA+ community. (Now this community is far more than the brief blog I am writing about today, but I hope that it is a good foundation for those looking for a place to start.) Most LGBT+ adolescents are aware of their gender identity or sexual orientation from the young age of about 9 years old, but there are even signs during the toddler years based on their different preferences. Gender identity is one’s own sense of their own gender (a sense of being male, female, a combination of both male and female, or neither male or female). Gender identity is different than the assigned sex at birth because gender is a social role (i.e., we made dresses represent “female” and blue represent “male” but these are just social symbols and have the potential to be interchangeable).
Sexual orientation is one’s romantic or sexual attraction (or absence of) for others. One could be attracted to persons of the opposite sex or gender, same sex or gender, both sexes or more than one gender, or not have much attraction at all for anyone. There is also a distinction between “romantic attraction” and “sexual attraction” for a reason. For example, one could have romantic feelings for someone else but no sexual feelings or sexual feelings but no interest in dating anyone.
Whatever the case, if your child appears to open up to you about their identity, whether they are confident or still unsure, this is a big moment (even though it doesn’t always have to be treated as such). Your reaction to your child’s identity matters, maybe even more than what their peers think. Keep in mind some daunting, but very real, statistics found in research that shows that there are approximately 9 million Americans who identify as LGBT+ and about 50% of LGBT teens have considered suicide. Questioning our sexuality or gender identity is already a difficult process and the second highest reason adolescents do not come out to their parents is because they think that their parents would not understand or that it would change their relationship in some way. This being said, it is important to remember that we have children so they can grow up to become their own person one day, and this includes their identity! It truly is of utmost importance to listen, validate, and ask questions if you do not understand something. Look for more details on this in the second part!
- Ciera Canaday, LCSW, Clinical Director & Psychotherapist